I am a woman filled to the brim with excitement and aliveness. It wasn’t always that way. This article will tell you a little about my story and a lot about how I transformed my relationship of nineteen years. I dedicate these words to Margaret…who will always be my special valentine.
Why am I still crazy about my partner after all these years? Because we continue to grow and nurture our love together practicing the principles described below and she is one groovy chick.
When I look into my life, there are many sources of continuing excitement. They include my business, sports (especially golf and tennis) and most importantly, Margaret.
My love relationship has contributed most to my spirit of aliveness. After 19 years, people ask us: how do you keep that love flowing and growing? It’s one thing to fall in love. It’s quite another to stay there. My hunch is that few of you would disagree.
My Valentine’s gift to “Jane and Jane’s” readers is to share some secrets with you along with some transforming ideas and processes that have served us. The real question is: Can we celebrate Valentine’s Day every day? In other words, can we honor the love we have for our partners each and every day? I say it’s possible, if both partners have the desire and commitment.
When Margaret and I first met we were both unaware that we were lesbians. I smile as I type this now, as on reflection there were many signs. From such a naïve start, we have created a wonderful and increasingly lively relationship. In April, we will be toasting a full 19 years together.
Often people are surprised that we have been together that long. How can we stay so playful and obviously very much in love? I imagine that is one of the reasons I was approached to write this article. Over the past years, Margaret and I have learned by “trial and error” plus we were fortunate enough to have some great coaching thanks to Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks of the Hendricks Institute, there we learned the tools I am going to share with you below. The gift to me was watching them model a new level of what fun, creativity and passion can look like in relationship – the tools in action.
Many lesbians want to know how to keep their sex lives alive. They worry about or experience “lesbian bed death.” And, there goes the excitement. Read on and discover ten tried and true practices guaranteed to keep your love alive and well.
1. Lasting Love Starts With Commitment.
One of the most important issues is deciding what you and your partner are committed to as a couple and as individuals. Are they in alignment with each other? Margaret and I did this “exercise” after 14 years together…so it is never to late to consciously design your ideal relationship. The earlier you decide what you want, the sooner you will create what you want. Often, when commitment is mentioned, people freeze or run stories about being locked in forever. It’s the old ball and chain scenario. For me, it is taking the time to ask the question: “what do I want?” I want fun, play, laughter, a great sex life, work that I love to do, transparency and a life lived from a foundation of integrity.
In order for me to create that relationship, I start by committing to live my life that way. Then I can ask my partner the same question. What does she want to commit to? After that, we can take the next steps and create co-commitments. And yes, all of my wants can be created on my own without my partner co-committing. However, the fun goes to a whole new level with shared commitments. I suggest taking some good time out of your daily routines and see what it is that you both want. Then, write it all down. And, watch your aliveness begin to flow…even more.
Finally, avoid the old trap of setting yourself up for failure by attempting to commit to something that is not possible. For example, it is not possible to commit to loving some one for the rest of my life, who knows what the future holds. However, I can commit to being authentic about my feelings on a daily basis. It’s a moment-to-moment, day-to-day decision to stay in relationship. So, be here now. Start today by choosing to commit to a relationship that creates an increased sense of aliveness for you. The most effective way to achieve that is by committing to revealing over concealing…no matter what.
Go for it!
2. Aliveness Is What Fuels The Flame
Great relationships are the result of two people coming together who have a commitment to their individual aliveness. Each of us currently has a gauge to measure how much fun, success or joy we are creating. How do you measure your aliveness? In my experience people compare their aliveness against their friends and family, while others are so busy they don’t even consider the question. For me, that gauge is how I feel in my body. Am I experiencing ease? Do I have a bubbly aliveness in my torso? When I notice tension in my body, I check to see what am I currently doing to create that experience. Then I can choose different options. My body told me when to leave my last job, start my own business, clarify my commitments and re-create my relationship with Margaret.
Each day I regularly notice my current aliveness level. I think of it as a numbers game. Where do I fall between 0 – 100? There is no right or wrong answer. I just ask myself where am I on the “aliveness scale.” In this moment, I am at 79 since I have some energy about getting this article right. What if I don’t hit the mark and disappoint my readers? Hmmmm. Forget that. I’ll let the editors refine the copy. And, I trust my readers will get exactly what they need when they need it. I immediately feel happier, more relaxed. Now I am at 85…and off to get some hot tea.
3. Feelings are Your Friends.
Feelings are such wonderful gifts until you try to control them, stuff them, wallow in them or run from them. In all relationships, and especially in an intimate relationship, feelings float through whenever they choose. It is possible to attempt to control those unwanted feelings, but that only creates a logjam of emotion that can be both uncomfortable and often debilitating. One essential skill for creating a thriving relationship is to choose to embrace love AND fully feel whatever you are feeling without withholding or stuffing.
Often I ask people which of the 5 core feelings (sad, angry, scared, joyful and sexual) are they willing to feel and which do they not want to feel? Generally, all people have one feeling they do not want to feel. Mostly, it’s either anger or sadness. Think of your bodies as a water hose with the flow of water representing the flow of feelings. If you try to stop one feeling by kinking the hose (contracting your body, reducing your breath), then you will also limit or stop the flow of the other feelings. When I realized that embracing my anger would allow a greater flow of joy and sexual feelings, I shifted my relationship to anger. Now I choose to feel whatever I feel and get curious about the message my body is sending me.
Owning my feelings has caused one of the biggest changes in my life, especially in my relationship with Margaret. Instead of saying “I feel angry at you because………” I own that “I feel angry.” After acknowledging my anger, I can then get curious about what I am not facing and ultimately what action step I want to take. I find this a lot more fun than playing the blame game and being a victim. Margaret and I have benefited form this major change. Owning our feelings has brought us closer and eliminated senseless arguments.
4. Breathe, Baby
Breathing is maybe the most important tool you can use in any given situation. Putting attention on your breath is completely in your control. By choosing to breathe into your belly you are then circulating more oxygen and blood through your system. This creates a greater level of clarity and presence. Being present to all the circumstances of my life (as they present themselves) is both powerful and enlivening. Once I am present, I have the ability to choose consciously instead of being on autopilot. Have you ever had the experience of driving somewhere familiar to you and suddenly you arrive at your destination and you do not remember the journey? That is an example of being on “auto pilot” where conscious choice is more limited.
Next time you are driving focus on your breath, breath so your belly expands and contracts. Breathing is a great way to be alert and ready to respond to whatever situation presents itself. It’s the same way in relationships. If you are conscious, breathing and ready to respond, then you are able to make small or large course corrections on the path to a satisfying, passion-filled relationship. More breath = More energy and aliveness.
5. Agreements Create Freedom
First, I want to share the difference between commitments and agreements. Commitments are made between you and the universe, God, Goddess or whomever you call your Higher Power. It’s all connected. Agreements are made between two people. For example, I commit to knowing myself authentically and completely. I agree to speak with my partner before acting on any sexual feelings I have for another person. Get the difference? Now it’s time to b r e a t h e (as discussed in step 4!). If you are practicing “feeling your feelings” and breathing all the while, you will experience joy and juiciness wherever you are during the day. Let’s get back to agreements. Here are two scenarios:
I am playing tennis, something I love to do and I notice I have sexual feelings – do I look around my foursome to the person I am attracted to and say she is making me feel sexual? Then I can play out some hidden drama with her as the source of my feelings. Or, do I own what I am feeling and realize I am creating an expanded sense of aliveness by having fun doing exactly what I want? As per our shared agreement to reveal, I then go home and share my experience with Margaret. Of course, she has agreed to share whatever is coming up for her. That’s true transparency in relationship.
Agreements are the fastest way to find out if you are fully aligned with your partner. Once you both make clear agreements that you want to make, you will immediately sense an experience of relaxing into them. If you feel constricted or tight that is an invitation to acknowledge your experience and revisit your agreements. Ask yourself, “What do I really want?” The answer may set you and your partner free.
6. Transparency, the Best Aphrodisiac
Transparency is a “power tool” in relationship. Being open and truthful is so simple and sometimes made so difficult. Some have stories like “the truth hurts” or “don’t rock the boat” or “it’s best left unsaid.” Have you ever experienced being in a room with an “800 lb elephant” that is ignored in favor of some superficial discussion? Not revealing what is going on with you is the fastest way to create lesbian bed death. Fully facing what is happening is how long term exciting relationships are created and continue to thrive. I want to ensure that I have shared all facts, feelings and fantasies with my partner. That way I am current and able to be fully present with her. The moment I withhold I am choosing to kink my hose and reduce my aliveness.
I remember the day that I committed to being fully transparent with Margaret. I felt scared even thinking about sharing my thoughts and withholds, including some that had formed over the past14 years of being together. My heart was pounding, but after I consciously spoke my truth, I experienced a burst of excitement. Margaret heard me and had the freedom to be transparent with me as well. After those transforming bursts, I was certain I had co-created the relationship of my dreams.
7. Pickle Your Partner in Appreciation
A great deal of research has been compiled about the importance of expressing appreciation in relationships. John Gottman’s study found that couples that shared a ratio of five “appreciations” to one “criticism” had thriving long-term relationships.
Appreciation is a learned skill. It’s simple, but not always easy. Maybe you have been in environment where appreciation is withheld or only given on rare occasions. Creating relationships from a place of appreciation changes how you experience the other person and visa versa. Just be sure your appreciation is genuine. There is nothing worse than “trying” to appreciate someone in order to manipulate or make her feel better. Margaret will often draw me pictures…cartoon characters on post-it notes… and stick them in my office or in my cupboard. I always appreciate her creativity and playfulness. Each time one pops into my view, I smile and get a burst of tingly energy. More aliveness. More love. More gratitude for having attracted a bona fide playmate. This leads right into the 8th way to create lasting, loving relationships…the way of play!
8. Play Is The Way To Happiness
Many couples are challenged trying to balance play with the seriousness of life.
Either we are responsible, duty-bound adults or frivolous grown-ups who can’t be taken seriously. I would say that I lived in the serious camp for my first 30 years. Yes, I still had the ability to play…but constantly running in the background was the thought that life was serious and I needed to do the right thing. These thoughts did nothing to increase my level of energy or aliveness. How about you? Shifting your worldview, beginning with how you see day-to-day activities, can radically change your life. Looking for opportunities to play with whatever is happening can create great theatre wherever you are. Here’s an example. When I went to get my tea a few minutes ago, I shouted out Margaret’s name. I was met by an angry shhhhhh face as she was on a business call. As I left the kitchen, I planned my next move. With my hands poised like a dog begging for attention, I quietly sneaked into her office and with playful puppy eyes caught her looking over at me. Margaret flashed me a quick smile and I saw the twinkle in her eye.
I knew play had won out!
When it comes to long-term relationships, play is an essential ingredient.
9. Create Flow with Wonder and Movement
Long-term relationships go through many different stages, from the wonder-filled first six months to the four-year “evaluation” and seven-year “itch.” Then there’s the challenge of falling into the inevitable rut: this is just how it is…or this is just how we are. This phase includes focusing on the “business and busy-ness” of the relationship, juggling the many balls that each person has in life…like who will take out the trash, balance the check book and who’s responsible for our happiness anyway? I can remember thinking, I love my partner and what we have together, and I want more BUT do I want to upset the apple cart? Do I have the energy and wherewithal to expand what we have together?
When curiosity and wonder have dropped out in relationship, it creates fertile ground for a myriad of issues to arise. When you have known someone for a long time it is easy to put her in a box and declare that people just don’t change. This confines both of your abilities to shift into new behaviors. I suggest getting curious about her…and filled with wonder. Who would this person become out of the box…if I applauded her ever-evolving self and her creative spirit? The possibilities are unlimited. Open that box and see for yourself.
One way to begin is to play music and move to it in totally new ways. Shake it up and feel every joint, from your fingers to your toes, hips to your jaw. Move fast and slow, smooth and jagged. This opens up more space between your joints, revs up the body, expands the mind and elevates the spirit. New possibilities for yourself and your relationship can arise through the magic of movement.
Ask youself: how do I want to bring that experience of wonder and curiosity into my intimate relationship? What “wonder practices” could you employ this week to move your relationship to the next level? I suggest you share with your partner and see what she has to say that surprises you. Again, I suggest writing down all the ways you and your partner can participate in the wonder of life. How can you view each other anew? What surprises you about her? How can your life together be a veritable Wonderland?
10. Unleash Your Creativity
Expressing your creativity, in all its many forms, is a corner stone to a happy, healthy and energized partnership. Often couples fall into two categories: the creative, artistic one and the practical, responsible one. The truth is everyone is creative, whether you dabble in the arts (dance, painting, writing) or you love sports, gardening, walking in nature, decorating and even parenting (your kids or yourself). Whatever form you uniquely choose, know that you are a creative being seeking greater and greater expressions of yourself.
Some people choose to incorporate their creativity into their work which opens them up to greater levels of aliveness throughout each day. Increasing the amount of time spent in activities you enjoy will assist you in ramping up all parts of your life.
A study of people who have hit the 100 mark in years states that the unifying theme of all centenarians is their ability to remain creative. Nothing adds more to that sense of aliveness than to keep those creative juices flowing, and they will flow over into all aspects of your life…if you let them!
I am here to attest that everyone can experience ever-increasing waves of joy in their relationships. However, if you believe that relationships are hard, then they will be hard. If you believe you must work at them, they will be work. If you want and choose to create a relationship based on authenticity, agreements, playfulness and juiciness, then that is what you will create. Take the time to discover what you want, what is non-negotiable. Then see if you have a chosen a partner who also shares those wants.
When Margaret asked me what I wanted to do on Valentine’s Day, I immediately replied, “have a rock climbing lesson.” After a few moments of reflection she said, “I’m in.” So, on Valentine’s Day, Margaret and I will be scaling the walls of an indoor rock climbing school, followed by a romantic dinner. We love to create new experiences and celebrate our love. My wish is that you have a fun and fabulous Valentine’s Day.